http://www.web-funnies.com/rss.php http://www.web-funnies.com/rss.php http://www.web-funnies.com/images/web-funnies-logo.gif http://www.web-funnies.com/index.php#funny56 Wed, 18 May 2011 09:19:00 UTC
The criteria are that it can't contain blue, green, red, pink, orange, yellow or browns. Nor can it contain white.

But they like mono. But it needs to be colourful.

Then, the finishing touch - we don't like silver or gold.

Suggestions? ]]> http://www.web-funnies.com/index.php#funny55 Fri, 08 Apr 2011 13:01:00 UTC
Hi,
Why hasn't the news on my website been updated? We have a whole range of new products that I want mentioning in news but youve not written anything about them.
Thanks

Our answer was as follows:

Hi,

We don't maintain your news content, it is entirely within your own control from the CMS. You have previously listed a variety of news items but seemed to stop doing so around Christmas 2010. If you'd like us to talk you through how to do this again, please just give us a call and we'd be happy to talk through it with you.

Us.

Their reply to the above was this:

Hi, thanks for that. I have never put any news on the website, you must have done it.

Our reply to this is:

Hi,

No, we have no maintenance contract in respect of administration or publication of news item, and we've never listed any news items on the site. We'll give you a call to discuss.

Us.

Their reply, within about 60 seconds of the above, was:

Hi, sorry, you are right. Ive realised it was my wife doing the news but she left me in January and hasnt been doing it since.


We haven't replied to the last email. What do you say to that?!
]]> http://www.web-funnies.com/index.php#funny54 Fri, 04 Mar 2011 18:49:00 UTC
Email arrived today and this is exactly that the content of the enquiry said:

"Hello, do you write websites for the internet? I need a website for my pets but it must be on the internet so my parents can see it from France, can you do that?"


]]> http://www.web-funnies.com/index.php#funny53 Wed, 23 Feb 2011 16:26:00 UTC
Client called to say they couldn't access the internet and who was their website hosted with? We asked what they meant, was it just their website they couldn't access or the internet in general?

The response was 'the internet just isn't working, so who am I hosted with'.

Trying to explain to them that their broadband was down and that we hadn't a clue who they were with.....arghhhh.]]> http://www.web-funnies.com/index.php#funny52 Tue, 22 Feb 2011 21:57:00 UTC
Despite the urge to say exciting, or elephant, or enormous, or elongated, or maybe even 'exaggerated', I resisted.

Instead I said 'easy'. To which they replied 'Oh yeah, of course it would be!'.

]]> http://www.web-funnies.com/index.php#funny51 Sun, 20 Feb 2011 11:16:00 UTC
Started off bad, got worse, as they do.

First complaint was that their website wasn't generating enough sales and it couldn't have anything to do with the fact their products are, on average, about 20% more than all their competitors.

Second complaint was that the telephone number on their website was wrong because they'd changed their numbers 2 week agos and we should have known. Right.

Third complaint was that they had no News to publish on the website so it had slipped in the search engine rankings and we should be doing more - despite them not taking our offer of Search Engine Optimisation services.

Where do you start? I was thinking of two words. ]]> http://www.web-funnies.com/index.php#funny50 Sat, 05 Feb 2011 09:14:00 UTC
I spent all of 2 minutes on site when I discovered that both paper trays were empty.

They'll still be getting an invoice.]]> http://www.web-funnies.com/index.php#funny49 Sun, 30 Jan 2011 16:55:00 UTC
Then I hung up. Things you don't need on a Sunday - idiots.]]> http://www.web-funnies.com/index.php#funny48 Fri, 07 Jan 2011 14:49:00 UTC
7 hours of work. Then, sent them the completed work and they loved it.

Great.

No.

The following morning we get an e-mail saying they've changed their mind and want to revert to the original - and they want to know why we'd expect them to pay an invoice for the work carried out the previous day.]]> http://www.web-funnies.com/index.php#funny47 Tue, 07 Dec 2010 20:02:00 UTC
I paused, umm'd and ahh'd a bit and asked for them to clarity what they meant.

They said they wanted to replicate their competitors homepage exactly so they could try to capture their visitors and pretend to be them. When I told them they could be asking for legal trouble, without doubt, by doing that they said "well who's going to tell them, you won't, will you?".

I asked what they thought they'd do about the address, the payment name, the phone numbers etc and they said "Hmm, hadn't thought of that."

Finally they said "Let me think about this. Maybe it would be better to replicate their whole site and set up new phone numbers and stuff."

I sometimes wonder if I live in a different world.]]> http://www.web-funnies.com/index.php#funny46 Mon, 08 Nov 2010 20:01:00 UTC
Now, let me think about that one...]]> http://www.web-funnies.com/index.php#funny45 Tue, 19 Oct 2010 07:37:00 UTC
Client came to us with a massive list of requirements for their new website and so I replied back with a cost that met those requirements.

Client said that was too expensive. So I removed some requirements and reduced the cost. Again client said they didn't have that budget.

So one last time I removed some further features from their original brief and gave him a nice budget cost.

He rang later and absolutely berated us on the phone saying that we were ripping him off by starting at a massive price and now doing it for peanuts, with no mention of the fact that there was a massive change in the feature list.

Tried to explain it was like him coming into his dealership looking to buy a Porsche for £500 and eventually offering him a used Ford Focus to match the budget.

He was having none of it and went off in a huff!!!!]]> http://www.web-funnies.com/index.php#funny44 Fri, 15 Oct 2010 18:06:00 UTC
When I told them this they replied "Well did you really need to suspend the site? That's a bit rough."]]> http://www.web-funnies.com/index.php#funny43 Fri, 08 Oct 2010 20:06:00 UTC
...oh, oooo, ahhhh, just as well really because I've just realised something.

I said 'What?'

The caller said 'I've switched the PC off by accident. That's why nothing is on the screen. Sorry, got to go, bye...'

]]> http://www.web-funnies.com/index.php#funny42 Wed, 06 Oct 2010 12:37:00 UTC
Caller : "Hello, can you tell me how much a website would cost?"

Me: "Well that depends on what type of website it is you require and how involved it would be. Could you tell me a little about what the purpose of the website would be and your business/company?"

Caller : "I want a website that would be on the internet. I didn't know there were different places? What do you mean?"

Me : "I understand that sir, but would you want to sell goods online, or use it purely to promote your company without selling products or services on the internet, for example?"

Caller : "Oh I don't understand, forget it."

He then hung up.]]> http://www.web-funnies.com/index.php#funny41 Tue, 28 Sep 2010 08:34:00 UTC
I tried again to explain. Then I stopped and said "Maybe we could approach this a different way for you, what type of budget do you have in mind?"

The reply came back "I don't know, £50?"

I closed the call shortly after. Grrr.]]> http://www.web-funnies.com/index.php#funny40 Sun, 26 Sep 2010 15:11:00 UTC
When he saw it he said everything is WRONG and that how would anonymous people know how to login. I explained that if they are anonymous they don't need a login. Eventually I had to make a login form for anonymous people (I made a form that would just disappear on submit :))

After all this stupidity the client asked me if we can find out the emails of the anonymous people and said that it is inacceptable that we cannot.]]> http://www.web-funnies.com/index.php#funny39 Wed, 22 Sep 2010 08:38:00 UTC
This morning I received an e-mail from a prospective client:

"Hi, I was wondering if you could help me out. I told my wife I'm away on business in the U.S. but Im not, she's getting suspicious so I need you to edit a U.S entry stamp into a scan of my passport so I can send it to her. Is this something you could do, its urgent. Thanks"

Obviously a "wrong'un" who cant keep his infidelity a secret!!]]> http://www.web-funnies.com/index.php#funny38 Wed, 08 Sep 2010 19:29:00 UTC
She has asked why the web won't work when her broadband is down. She has also been known to ring up 5 or 6 times and day and demand to know why no-one has placed an order on her website. Everytime she gets visitors she wants to know why they don't all place an order. Telling her that her prices are three times more than her competitors doesn't work.

Then we have today when she sent an email asking if we could answer her emails whilst she was on vacation because she paid us for hosting so she thought we would do this too.

If anyone wants her as a client, let me know.]]> http://www.web-funnies.com/index.php#funny37 Mon, 06 Sep 2010 09:05:00 UTC
10 minutes later when we'd managed to get to the bottom of the problem....they changed the brightness on their laptop back to what it had been before their 3 year had meddled with it and they're now happy. God help us.]]> http://www.web-funnies.com/index.php#funny36 Fri, 03 Sep 2010 19:08:00 UTC
After a few minutes on the phone a technician went to see what was wrong and discovered that the cleaner had unplugged it to plug her vacuum cleaner in. ]]> http://www.web-funnies.com/index.php#funny35 Thu, 02 Sep 2010 13:35:00 UTC
Can you guess why it wouldn't switch on? Some people should be banned from buying computers.]]> http://www.web-funnies.com/index.php#funny34 Tue, 31 Aug 2010 22:07:00 UTC
He then turned around to see us all sat there twiddling our thumbs.

He looked at us. We looked at him and smiled.

He then said "There's a power cut isn't there..."

We said "You got it..."

]]> http://www.web-funnies.com/index.php#funny33 Tue, 31 Aug 2010 21:41:00 UTC
"this logo, well, you know, has to be ... "hip","

"hip?" I replied ...

" yeah, hip... Hip and groovy "

Cringe.]]> http://www.web-funnies.com/index.php#funny32 Tue, 31 Aug 2010 18:50:00 UTC
Ten minutes later they rang back to say they still couldn't get in. I went through the whole process with them step by step and the problem came when they were told to click on the Login button. Nothing happened except the "Windows menu pops up". Turns out they were pressing the Windows Start button icon as "Login" instead of the very big yellow button in the middle of the screen with "Login" written on it.

They insisted the system was poorly designed.]]> http://www.web-funnies.com/index.php#funny31 Sun, 29 Aug 2010 18:48:00 UTC http://www.web-funnies.com/index.php#funny30 Sat, 28 Aug 2010 20:15:00 UTC
The call involved talking one of their managers through the download and installing the package.

After the process had completed we asked the user to try the application in Firefox.

What I haven't told you at this point is that we'd telephoned the user on their mobile - having been specifically asked to do so.

At the point when we asked them to try the application they said they couldn't. When we asked why they said it was because they were at home and didn't have the dongle they needed to run it.....

So, you might ask, why did they ask us to call them on their mobile when they knew they'd be at home and not able to try the application? Their reply was that they thought that Firefox would come with the dongle they needed and they were disappointed it didn't....

Argh!]]> http://www.web-funnies.com/index.php#funny29 Sat, 28 Aug 2010 18:34:00 UTC
i had a look and it was working no problem at all. i rang them back to tell them this and they said it definitely wasn't. so, i told them as politely as i could that it was certainly working without a problem and asked if they had any other connection problems. they didn't know what i meant at first so I asked them to try another website...

...you know what they said next?

yup, their internet connection was down.

great.]]> http://www.web-funnies.com/index.php#funny28 Sat, 28 Aug 2010 18:30:00 UTC
We'd been following the traffic on site though and visitor numbers and enquiries were very good indeed. When we said this to the customer they said they'd had no enquiries at all.

Our systems showed they'd had at least 70 contact forms sent through.

When we told them this they said they'd not received any. So, we asked their permission to access their mail which they said yes to. In the mailbox were the 70+ enquiries dating back to within 2 days of the site going live - none of them had been read.

We asked the client why they'd not been checking their mail (which had also been set to download via POP3 into an Outlook account) and they said "Why do I have to check?"

As if that wasn't bad enough we also said we found it difficult to believe they'd not had any phone enquiries because of the traffic going through the site. They said they'd not had a single call. It was then revealed that the number they'd given us to be published on the site was a dedicated sales line they'd ordered....and then cancelled without telling us or thinking it might have an impact on things..
]]> http://www.web-funnies.com/index.php#funny27 Sat, 28 Aug 2010 09:41:00 UTC
We had a long chat on the phone and arranged a meeting. The client arrived in smart attire and talked about the type of profile customer he wanted to attract, his background in the industry his site was based on and he had a basic understanding of PPC although he was completely in the dark about costs.

It was about this time that I began to think I'd not really qualified the customer budget before arranging the meeting. He'd given me an idea of the type of traffic figures he wanted and we knew the average conversion rates in the sector.

He was going to have to spend somewhere in the region of 3-4k per month to get to where he wanted to be. When he was told thus he laughed and asked how much of it was our profit. I said that our fees were standard at 10%. He scoffed at that and got up to walk out. I could see we had nothing to lose at this point so asked him what his budget was, or what he thought he would need to spend. He said, and I'll never forget this word for word, "I have no problem spending fifty to a hundred quid a month and that should easily be enough".

There was no telling him any different. The site closed about 8 months later. ]]> http://www.web-funnies.com/index.php#funny26 Fri, 27 Aug 2010 21:33:00 UTC
We finally went to see the senior contact at the client company when the clerk asked what time the Internet closed each day.]]> http://www.web-funnies.com/index.php#funny25 Fri, 27 Aug 2010 21:16:00 UTC
He said the course was going really well but we began to have doubts when we read some of his assignments. One piece of work was on computer hardware and included his definition of a modem as 'a box with two wires going in and one coming out'.

Towards the end of his course, he became quite distressed as his final and most important essay had gone wrong. He could no longer read or edit his word document. It had to handed in within a couple of days or he wouldn't get his diploma.

When I opened up the document, I couldn't read it either. There was nothing to be seen for about six pages and at the bottom of the last page was an embedded Excel spreadsheet.

Within that was another Word document that, in turn, was blank for the first six pages, and then there were words. Lots of them, all together, like sediment at the bottom of a bucket.

I asked him what had happened. He said he didn't really know, but it had all gone wrong when his tutor had asked for the document to be double-spaced.

This is what we think happened.

Instead of changing the line-spacing for the document as more experienced word-processors would have done, he pressed Return at the end of each line of his essay.

As he was doing this, he made a mistake and didn't know how to fix it, but after looking at the menu, chose one that he said 'would sort it'.

He had chosen a sort option that sorted all his sentences so that all the blank lines inserted for double spacing were at the top and all his other ones (with words) were at the bottom beautifully sorted alphabetically. Sorted.]]> http://www.web-funnies.com/index.php#funny24 Fri, 27 Aug 2010 18:41:00 UTC http://www.web-funnies.com/index.php#funny23 Fri, 27 Aug 2010 18:37:00 UTC http://www.web-funnies.com/index.php#funny22 Fri, 27 Aug 2010 17:19:00 UTC
We went 90 miles to meet with this guy and spent 2 hours talking to him.

Everything seemed pretty legitimate and he was clearly articulate and intelligent. The killer blow came about 5 minutes before my boss ended the meeting....when the client said they knew it wouldn't be cheap so they'd budgeted £5,000 for the site.

My boss did his best to try to explain nobody was going to rival Amazon for £5k but the client was having none of it. I don't think I've ever seen his terminate a meeting so quicly and he wouldn't shut up about the timewaster all the way back.]]> http://www.web-funnies.com/index.php#funny21 Fri, 27 Aug 2010 17:13:00 UTC
Instead, he used to attach an Excel worksheet to it - and the message would be in there!!!! The thing is, what no-one could understand is why he didn't use MS Word if he didn't realise you were meant to type within the body of the mail, why choose Excel???

His answer was that he didn't know you could type numbers in Word and he always liked to put his telephone number in the message!!!! ]]> http://www.web-funnies.com/index.php#funny20 Fri, 27 Aug 2010 16:58:00 UTC
My boss doesn't grasp it at all. He wondered why the whole office connection ground to a halt when he tried sending a 1.2gb file to a supplier.

When I told him it was the biggest file I'd ever known someone try to send he said "Rubbish, Google doesn't have a problem with loads of data so why should the internet?"]]> http://www.web-funnies.com/index.php#funny19 Fri, 27 Aug 2010 16:53:00 UTC
The client kept saying nothing changed. I asked and asked again, "Are you pressing F5?". Yes, said the client.

Eventually I told them just to use the refresh icon in IE (urgh) which even then took some time to get them to find. However, a couple of days later when visiting the client office I asked them to press F5 to see why it hadn't been working.

I watched in disbelief as they pressed the F key, followed by the number 5 key....]]> http://www.web-funnies.com/index.php#funny18 Fri, 27 Aug 2010 16:38:00 UTC
This was done and the client was given the website and was very happy with it - until he called when the first booked car arrived.

He wanted to know why the coffee the customer had said they'd like wasn't automatically made by the coffee machine. He presumed the website would have a way of integrating with the Tassimo coffee machine, producing the coffee for the time the car was booked in and the customer simply needing to take it from the machine....]]> http://www.web-funnies.com/index.php#funny17 Fri, 27 Aug 2010 16:36:00 UTC
The classic moment came when he said he thought it was a no brainer because you didn't pay tax on any monies received online.

When we asked him what he meant he was insistant that you didn't pay any form of income tax on money taken online. On being told that wasn't the case he said:

"Can't be right, people wouldn't bother with websites if you had to pay tax on them, its no different to buying in the normal world"

The normal world clearly isn't somewhere he lived...]]> http://www.web-funnies.com/index.php#funny16 Fri, 27 Aug 2010 16:33:00 UTC
The system worked by constraining images to horizontal panels roughly to a 3*2 ratio.

Trying to get the client to understand the term "landscape, not portrait" proved to be a tough test. Several descriptions followed such as "long and fat / tall and thin" ; "wide / tall" ; "the shape of a postcard" (desperation had set in after 15 minutes). Heaven forbid that I dared move onto cropping images.

The next day I logged onto the site to find..... every image portrait and now nicely distorted to fit the horizontal box. What a waste of time.]]>